Reflections

March 5, 2009

This morning while I was driving towards Medical City for my doctor’s appointment I had again reverted to my habit of reflecting about life in general and my life in particular. Of course, my married life occupied most of my thoughts. After months of pain, doubt and vacillation – should I leave him? Should I stay? Should I involve the children? Should I just keep quiet? Should I retaliate? Should I let it be? – I finally found the answer. It had been there in the first place but my pride just wouldn’t let me see it. My spiritual mentors were right. The advice they gave to all of us wives were not drawn from mere intellectual arguments but from centuries of experience and, I believe, guided by the Holy Spirit. Looking at wives in my church community with the same predicament as mine, I said I wouldn’t want to be like them, docile to their husbands despite the men’s obvious philandering. They were the ones, following our leaders’ teachings, who stuck with their husbands through thick and thin. I always said that once is too much. I would not tolerate infidelity of any form. Standing firm on these words was the cause of much of my pain. Yet now I have come to affirm my mentors’ wisdom. Wives are indissoluble partners of their husbands. If the husbands have become their crosses, wives should learn to carry them, like Jesus, meek and mild , ready to be slaughtered though without sin. We are to emulate Monica who had never ceased to pray for Augustine’s reformation even if it took many, many years. Maybe, or certainly, the Holy Spirit had something to do with the happy outcome of my indecisions. Thank God a small part of my conscience prevailed and stopped me from making a grave and hasty decision. I am not sure if my husband had realized his mistakes or is taking a new turn. But I know that he had recently taken the Sacrament of Reconciliation and felt relieved with the forgiveness that he received. We are still husband and wife, content in our togetherness and would probably be together in our old age. I wouldn’t laugh at the devil for failing to destroy our marriage – he is a formidable enemy – but I raise my arms towards heaven. Love has prevailed.






March 3, 2009

My three friends and I have been meeting more often than usual this past month. And although we talk of almost the same things every time we meet - one friend about her and her husband's illness, the other about the infidelity of her husband , the third about her retirement and , lately, about my marital problems – it becomes increasingly clear that there is still a lot that we do not know about each other. And every time we share a bit of ourselves, the bond that ties us together becomes stronger. For me, the best part happens after our meetings when the realization of what God is trying to show us starts to settle in our minds and hearts. Yes, we are friends coming from the same school, with the same course, of the same faith and from middle to upper middle class society but life has dealt with each of us differently. We are meant to be where we are, to achieve a specific purpose unique from everyone. And the sooner we come to accept our personal histories, the better we become as persons – more peaceful and not impatient for life’s slow unfolding. How wonderful it is if we knew the full purpose of our life! Discovering a bit of it everyday and knowing that we are moving towards it is already joy.

February 12, 2009

I am in the midst of people trying to confirm or affirm their convictions on life as future leaders in their communities. I am attending the convention conducted by Ayala Young Leaders Congress here in the San Miguel Compound in Tagaytay which aims to help young potential community leaders develop their inner core values for servant leadership. And I am amazed at the fervor and zeal displayed by these youths, still in school yet already knowing what it is they want out of their lives. I envy them. Was I like them in my own youth? Did I know then what I wanted out of my life? I have a very vague recollection of just wanting to finish my college education and landing a good paying job. Nothing was clear and as I moved up the corporate ladder, the question that was asked of these youth -“were you ‘sharply awake but reasonably disturbed’ in you quest for servant leadership?,”- would have been very difficult for me to answer then. I was very naïve. Perhaps I thought that everything happening around me had nothing to do with me. For as long as I was doing everything within my context in my own way and not harming others, I would be alright. At this moment I am ‘reasonably disturbed’. What kind of legacy would I leave my children? In these remaining years of my life, what can I do to leave a mark? I am starting to write again, an old passion that had been alternately doused and fired by dream busters and well meaning critics. I may not go anywhere with this, but at least I now can say that I am doing something and perhaps the thoughts that I express in written form would someday be read by my children, and other people, and influence them. It is not yet too late.So what will I write about? Certainly about my values and beliefs that had been taught me by my parents and spiritual mentors- values that I consider very important in one’s personal growth without which all would be nothing. So I begin this journey and with the guide of the Holy Spirit I will reach the point where I can proudly say that my talents were not wasted and I will face my God with the yields of the very same talent that was entrusted me.

July 19, 2008

My niece’s wedding was nicely organized and very well put together. I am sure that the newly weds will treasure this moment for the rest of their lives. I do not know now whether my own wedding was as remarkable as theirs nor as memorable. I can vaguely remember what happened during that day 27 years ago. All I know is that it was full of frenzy, of a large number of faceless people (more than 250 of them) gathered together to witness the wedding of a would be priest and a seemingly successful career woman in her late twenty’s. In fact, I was the last to marry among my group of very close friends. Looking back I am not sure if I was in love or was just caught in the whirlwind of events that preceded the wedding. I was three months pregnant, the result of risky decision on my part to go ahead with my relationship head on with no regrets. I wanted to know how it felt to make love and I was trapped in the passion of the moment. I do not know if I made the right decision. Did I decide on my own and did not listen to God? I am sure though that in so far as having my children, I have no regrets and I could not havehad them if I did not marry.Our marriage now is hanging by a thin thread that it has to be pulled gently back within our grasp lest it will snap. Just two days ago, Rose and I went to see Mama Mia the movie. It was supposed to be a fun movie, a celebration of love that was nurtured in the lovers’ hearts for more than 20 years . When Sam was singing the history of his love everyone was giggling, laughing, full of expectations – all reactions far different from mine for at that time I was crying. Crying for the”love” I was about to lose. Rose did not know I was crying. I had to control my emotions or she might suspect something was amiss and I did not want anyone in my family to know what was happening. The family thinks that our marriage is the perfect one. My husband , to them, is still the ever loyal soft spoken partner and loving father. They do not know that I suspect him of being unfaithful.I am full of pain. But my eyes won’t shed the tears that my heart has long been shedding. I have to appear passive in the face of my pain for my children . I have to be strong for them. But everytime his celphone rings or whenever he leaves the house without notice, I die a slow death.