I just heard the homily of Rev. Father Catalino Arevalo, S.J. during the final mass for Ex-President Cory Aquino on tv and I had to sit down and jot down my thoughts before I lose them and the stirring in my heart is reduced to lethargy. Fr. Arevalo spoke very clearly and poignantly about Cory and his words struck my heart. Yes, when he spoke of Cory’s leadership , there is no better way to define it as the way Cory defined it: (rephrased in my own words since I can not recall it verbatim ) Leadership is a vocation and you have to put all of your life into it. But you must have your vision constantly before you or all your sacrifice will be for nothing. And, have God with you all the time.
Before this, Fr. Arevalo spoke of Cory’s qualities as a leader- her selflessness, her faith, her strength and her sacrifice. He did not speak of great accomplishments – pondering about it, I can not recall an accomplishment that again caught the attention of the nation beyond the one great accomplishment of giving us back democracy- but he spoke of the not too visible accomplishments which are, to me and to most of us, far better and far more important. As a leader, she thought of her position as a vocation. With the purest of intentions, she dedicated her life in doing good which was exemplified by the transparency of all her actions. Always her thoughts were occupied away from herself and towards service for the nation and, above all, service to God.
We are all born to become leaders – stewards of God. Some of us have taken on positions of leadership and the others become leaders in their own right. I am now in a position of leadership in my school and never had I felt the burden of leadership more than now after hearing the words spoken of Cory. May I be able to emulate her strength, a strength coming from her dauntless faith in the great love and mercy of God. May I always be true to my vocation, not becoming “silent and passive” for the service of truth and justice. May I be an instrument towards the realization of our school’s vision and mission – giving less privileged students world class quality education. May I be able to instill to my students faith in God above all.

I did this blog while in Mambukal Resort but could not post it immediately because there was no internet signal there. So here is the belated posting.

April 15, 2009

Thank God for the beauty of nature that surrounds me. Thank God for dear friends and relatives, and the new technology that connects me with them even when I am far away. Thank God for the passion He has given me towards my apostolate with youth. Thank God for His words which opened my heart during the past Lenten season. Thank God! You have indeed provided me with armour to defend me against the onslaught of sadness that could have devastated me again. Thank God I have overcome it.
It is my birthday today. In the morning when I woke up, I had hoped that my husband would give the first greeting for the day. But nothing came or so I thought. At breakfast, my teammates gave me their well wishes and that was the time he gave me a kiss and greeted me. Did he forget? I carried this resentment until the afternoon when there was a heavy downpour and we were all drenched to the skin (our team building activities go on rain or shine). I felt the heavens were with me in my sorrow. After the activities, we went to a local improvised drinking hole to celebrate and warm us. Again thank God for giving me the courage to confront my husband, while walking along the way, about his forgetfulness. Well, he insisted that he wished me happy birthday as I woke up but claimed that I ignored him. I would like to believe him even if human reason tells me otherwise. And so I am pushing aside doubts and give him my trust.
I pray to God to strengthen this fragile trust. I pray for total and complete healing. I pray for my husband, as well, that we both grow stronger in love and that he would help me heal by being healed himself. May we be taken away from any more temptations. May God give us hearts that can truly listen and understand, tongues that can utter the words that the loving heart would like to convey, hands that would soothe and arms that will hug to drive the left-over pain away.
Amen.

April 14, 2009

This is the second time this year that I have had the privilege of working with the youth. Last time was with the Ayala Young Leaders Foundation and, this time, with the Filipino-Chinese Catholic Youth headed by Fr. Peterson Tieng,LRMS. The convention site is at Mambukal, Resort, Bgy. Minoyan, Murcia, Negros Occidental, which lies 1200 feet above sea level. It is located at the foot of Mt. Kanlaon where the youth will get the chance to go trekking upwards towards its seven falls, the last of which is more than 1000 feet above the resort (or more than 2000 feet above sea level). My team and I went there this morning to check out the place, set up our activities and take note of danger areas. I can say that the trek was both a treat for the eyes and the spirit although physically exhausting. Since Kanlaon is a forest reserve, the almost three hours journey, including rest periods and time spent for picture taking, was a witnessing of the forest’s various life forms - from crawling vines , to flowering plants to towering trees – and of the transformation of the falls into rivers, brooks and springs (and vice-versa). Walking amid small and large rock formations and thick vegetations, and along river banks, I cannot but reflect on God’s great generosity by gifting us with these wonderful creations. We are but nothing amid this magnificence yet God has allowed us to be its master. What have we, as people, done in return? Within the forest, we passed by Kaingins which literally devastated large portions of the forest. Thank God for concerned citizens who lobbied and help make Kanlaon a forest reserve thus stopping the further prostitution of this beautiful place. Thank God too for proactive individuals who pick up trash left by soulless tourists even without prodding from anyone.
The resort itself is a configuration of cottages, dorm type lodging houses, big and large swimming pools, dipping pools and medicinal (sulphur ) pools, a butterfly garden, bat watching area, camping sites, and an adventure sports area. Since it is at the foot of Mt. Kanlaon, an active volcano, we can see here and there boiling mud that had to be enclosed to keep guests out of danger. The accommodations are simple (no heater! no television! no internet signal!) but comfortable. The sumptuous meals are provided by the FCCY sponsors so I cannot tell whether the meals served by the resort are as good as the ones we are having. The restaurants (turo-turo style) within the resort though serve very good inasal na manok, sandwiches and a unique concoction of halo-halo (made of fresh melon, mango, avocado , gelatine and tapioca). Once I ordered the halo-halo and bacon/egg sandwich while my husband ordered a large glass of melon shake. I was surprised at the large serving of the sandwich with chips on the side at that. The shake was a disappointment, but the rest was yummy and for the three orders I only paid P150.00! One sorry note: because the resort is being managed by the local government, one can just imagine the poor maintenance of the older cottages. Luckily, we are housed in one of the better ones and so I am not complaining.
I said earlier that I feel privileged to be working with the youth. With their young minds and great enthusiasm, they bring forward a strong message that there is hope in this country. I feel privileged because I am given the chance to work with future leaders who give me a vision of a better tomorrow. In the convention of the Ayala Youth Leaders Foundation last March, focus was in servant leadership. Today, in the FCCY convention, focus is “Witnessing the Word to the World”. Coming from 25 provinces , some 340 youths ,young adults and more mature coordinators, gather and submit themselves to the ministration of their spiritual elders, desiring to learn how to become true witnesses of the Word to the world , how to become leaders in society and the Church, and preparing for the responsibilities that come with leadership. Celebrating the year of St. Paul, these delegates reflect on the life of the saint (journeying with St. Paul is the theme of the trekking activity) and his kind of leadership. St. Paul, by his fanatic defence of the written law, became a sinner. Until his personal encounter with God, he was a persecutor of Christians. But once touched by God, he became a true defender of the faith. I believe that these FCCY youths have already been touched by God. And so now, they want to learn how to be true defenders of the church, they want to know how to harness their individual gifts and charisms to make this world truly a world of God, to make the word of God not only heard and celebrated but a guiding light towards a fervent commitment to serve the society and the church. I am glad I am part of them.
Today, I am really blessed.

April 12, 2009

“One must empty himself in order to receive the grace of God.” This message had been repeated in various forms , in different words during the Lenten season. It is a very strong message, a very important one that even Christ himself had to show His followers it must be done. As a person, Christ showed us that it can be done. This total emptying of oneself – in Jesus’ case, the perfect humility expressed in the absolute obedience to God’s will even to the point of death on the cross –is the only way by which God’s blessings can flow. Abraham received God’s blessings when he proved his unwavering faith in God. He did not question God when he was asked to sacrifice his only beloved son Isaac. Yes, as Bishop Tagle said in the recollection at SM Megatrade last Holy Wednesday, the grace of God cannot enter our lives if we are so full of ourselves, full of pride, full of worries and anxieties or self pity. God is telling us through the bible that dwelling on our worldly problems will not help. We should only focus on what is essential. He said “ Oh, come to the water all who are thirsty; though you have no money, come! Buy corn without money and eat and, at no cost, wine and milk. Why spend money on what is not bread, your wages on what fails to satisfy? (Is 55)” But we, having inherited the sin of Adam, want more and in wanting more we begin to see ourselves only in relation to what the others have, materially or otherwise. In our self absorption, we fail to recognize that we are but a small part of God’s greater scheme. Why did God command “Love your neighbour as yourself?” In loving, we invoke love in return. In loving, we lose ourselves leaving room for all the goodness of the universe. So why do we focus only on what money can buy? God created the world full of goodness. When He created the world He saw that “everything was good (Gen 1). “ Everything is ours for the asking. It is easy if we put ourselves into it because we are the inheritors of the earth, God’s royal heir. But the devil has corrupted us. We sin. We lose God’s beautiful plan. We lose the gifts that come with the plan. Yet God is faithful to His covenant. Despite our sinfulness and for the sake of His holy name , He said “I shall pour clean water over you and you will be cleanse; I shall cleanse you of all your defilement and all your idols. I shall give you a new heart, and out a new spirit in you. I shall remove the heart of stone in your body and give you a heart of flesh instead. I shall put my spirit in you and make you keep my laws and sincerely respect my observances. You will live in the land which I gave you ancestors. You will be my people and I will be your God. I shall rescue you from all your defilement. I shall summon the corn and make it plentiful, and no more bring famines on you. I shall increase the yields of the fruit trees and fields so you will no longer have the ignominy of famine among nations. (Ez 36) He sent His only son, Jesus Christ, to accomplish this promise and Christ, ever faithful and obedient, took unto Himself all our sins. Let God take over our lives then. Let us lift everything to God and remove the pride that misleads us into believing that we can be in control. Let us empty ourselves and allow the goodness of God and His creations to engulf us. Christ, as he took the human form and dying on the cross, proves that it can be done.

April 7, 2009

I have decided to post all my blogs in this site so I can easily manage them. This one was created last September 2008 and was posted in another site.

Facades:
Everything is not what it usually seems - a happy face that hides the gloom within, an exuberant pose masking defeat, the serene waters camouflaging tumult underneath, the ravaging storm disguising nature's loving hand, the whip of wind heralding God's life-giving breath - that living should always be a journey to discovery and understanding. We have lived our life to the fullest when we find ourselves , at the end of the journey, in happy communion with all creation and God who is the source of all.

April 7, 2009

I just came from a recollection sponsored by our Parish Church and the speaker was a very young apologist, Caloy Palad. He is 26 years old and single, but his topic was about the Filipino Catholic family, marriage, and the recent congressional moves about contraception and population control. I wondered about his qualification, he being young and single , but he spoke well. He was well informed ( he would not be an apologist if he were not) and was able to answer questions thrown by the audience convincingly and with much authority. Having attended and conducted similar talks before, however, I was almost tempted to dismiss this one as just “one of those talks” which would not offer anything new. Indeed, most of the information I heard I had heard many times before but there was one topic which, for me, made the night truly a night for recollection and reflection. He said ‘ women are meant to become mothers.’ He then offered a lot of explanations and sited Papal letters/encyclicals to support this position, even covered those who enter into single blessedness and sisterhood.

Women are meant to become mothers...... I remember at Grade four when our teacher asked us what we wanted to be when we grow up. I wanted to answer “to be a renowned doctor” because in my mind I really wanted to be one. But when I stood in front of the class, I was impelled to say “to become a good mother.” What made me do that? I almost died of shame when I heard my classmates laugh. And so that episode in my life stuck in my memory like glue. In retrospect, I can offer a lot of explanations for that unexpected answer. But what is important now is the affirmation that being a good mother is as good as being a well known surgeon, or a successful business man, or a fantastic career person. I am meant to be a mother and it is my primordial duty to become a good one. Am I a good mother? I have raised my children to be good children – they know their responsibilities, they are respectful of their elders, they have ambition, they are well mannered. I can enumerate countless qualities of my children which can tell me that I have been a good mother. In the end, though, the only measure I need to satisfy is if I have led my children towards God. I sincerely hope that I do.

Reflections

March 5, 2009

This morning while I was driving towards Medical City for my doctor’s appointment I had again reverted to my habit of reflecting about life in general and my life in particular. Of course, my married life occupied most of my thoughts. After months of pain, doubt and vacillation – should I leave him? Should I stay? Should I involve the children? Should I just keep quiet? Should I retaliate? Should I let it be? – I finally found the answer. It had been there in the first place but my pride just wouldn’t let me see it. My spiritual mentors were right. The advice they gave to all of us wives were not drawn from mere intellectual arguments but from centuries of experience and, I believe, guided by the Holy Spirit. Looking at wives in my church community with the same predicament as mine, I said I wouldn’t want to be like them, docile to their husbands despite the men’s obvious philandering. They were the ones, following our leaders’ teachings, who stuck with their husbands through thick and thin. I always said that once is too much. I would not tolerate infidelity of any form. Standing firm on these words was the cause of much of my pain. Yet now I have come to affirm my mentors’ wisdom. Wives are indissoluble partners of their husbands. If the husbands have become their crosses, wives should learn to carry them, like Jesus, meek and mild , ready to be slaughtered though without sin. We are to emulate Monica who had never ceased to pray for Augustine’s reformation even if it took many, many years. Maybe, or certainly, the Holy Spirit had something to do with the happy outcome of my indecisions. Thank God a small part of my conscience prevailed and stopped me from making a grave and hasty decision. I am not sure if my husband had realized his mistakes or is taking a new turn. But I know that he had recently taken the Sacrament of Reconciliation and felt relieved with the forgiveness that he received. We are still husband and wife, content in our togetherness and would probably be together in our old age. I wouldn’t laugh at the devil for failing to destroy our marriage – he is a formidable enemy – but I raise my arms towards heaven. Love has prevailed.






March 3, 2009

My three friends and I have been meeting more often than usual this past month. And although we talk of almost the same things every time we meet - one friend about her and her husband's illness, the other about the infidelity of her husband , the third about her retirement and , lately, about my marital problems – it becomes increasingly clear that there is still a lot that we do not know about each other. And every time we share a bit of ourselves, the bond that ties us together becomes stronger. For me, the best part happens after our meetings when the realization of what God is trying to show us starts to settle in our minds and hearts. Yes, we are friends coming from the same school, with the same course, of the same faith and from middle to upper middle class society but life has dealt with each of us differently. We are meant to be where we are, to achieve a specific purpose unique from everyone. And the sooner we come to accept our personal histories, the better we become as persons – more peaceful and not impatient for life’s slow unfolding. How wonderful it is if we knew the full purpose of our life! Discovering a bit of it everyday and knowing that we are moving towards it is already joy.

February 12, 2009

I am in the midst of people trying to confirm or affirm their convictions on life as future leaders in their communities. I am attending the convention conducted by Ayala Young Leaders Congress here in the San Miguel Compound in Tagaytay which aims to help young potential community leaders develop their inner core values for servant leadership. And I am amazed at the fervor and zeal displayed by these youths, still in school yet already knowing what it is they want out of their lives. I envy them. Was I like them in my own youth? Did I know then what I wanted out of my life? I have a very vague recollection of just wanting to finish my college education and landing a good paying job. Nothing was clear and as I moved up the corporate ladder, the question that was asked of these youth -“were you ‘sharply awake but reasonably disturbed’ in you quest for servant leadership?,”- would have been very difficult for me to answer then. I was very naïve. Perhaps I thought that everything happening around me had nothing to do with me. For as long as I was doing everything within my context in my own way and not harming others, I would be alright. At this moment I am ‘reasonably disturbed’. What kind of legacy would I leave my children? In these remaining years of my life, what can I do to leave a mark? I am starting to write again, an old passion that had been alternately doused and fired by dream busters and well meaning critics. I may not go anywhere with this, but at least I now can say that I am doing something and perhaps the thoughts that I express in written form would someday be read by my children, and other people, and influence them. It is not yet too late.So what will I write about? Certainly about my values and beliefs that had been taught me by my parents and spiritual mentors- values that I consider very important in one’s personal growth without which all would be nothing. So I begin this journey and with the guide of the Holy Spirit I will reach the point where I can proudly say that my talents were not wasted and I will face my God with the yields of the very same talent that was entrusted me.

July 19, 2008

My niece’s wedding was nicely organized and very well put together. I am sure that the newly weds will treasure this moment for the rest of their lives. I do not know now whether my own wedding was as remarkable as theirs nor as memorable. I can vaguely remember what happened during that day 27 years ago. All I know is that it was full of frenzy, of a large number of faceless people (more than 250 of them) gathered together to witness the wedding of a would be priest and a seemingly successful career woman in her late twenty’s. In fact, I was the last to marry among my group of very close friends. Looking back I am not sure if I was in love or was just caught in the whirlwind of events that preceded the wedding. I was three months pregnant, the result of risky decision on my part to go ahead with my relationship head on with no regrets. I wanted to know how it felt to make love and I was trapped in the passion of the moment. I do not know if I made the right decision. Did I decide on my own and did not listen to God? I am sure though that in so far as having my children, I have no regrets and I could not havehad them if I did not marry.Our marriage now is hanging by a thin thread that it has to be pulled gently back within our grasp lest it will snap. Just two days ago, Rose and I went to see Mama Mia the movie. It was supposed to be a fun movie, a celebration of love that was nurtured in the lovers’ hearts for more than 20 years . When Sam was singing the history of his love everyone was giggling, laughing, full of expectations – all reactions far different from mine for at that time I was crying. Crying for the”love” I was about to lose. Rose did not know I was crying. I had to control my emotions or she might suspect something was amiss and I did not want anyone in my family to know what was happening. The family thinks that our marriage is the perfect one. My husband , to them, is still the ever loyal soft spoken partner and loving father. They do not know that I suspect him of being unfaithful.I am full of pain. But my eyes won’t shed the tears that my heart has long been shedding. I have to appear passive in the face of my pain for my children . I have to be strong for them. But everytime his celphone rings or whenever he leaves the house without notice, I die a slow death.